


Baby Bear

by Phil_Precious_Lester



Category: Phan, Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: AU, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, different universe, im sorry, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 12:28:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8667712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phil_Precious_Lester/pseuds/Phil_Precious_Lester
Summary: Dan and Phil Howell-Lester have been married for two years and decide that they want to start a family. They get a surrogate parent and everything is going smoothly until things stop going at all. Things take a turn for the worst and Dan and Phil are left with pieces they have to pick up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the playlist for this fic if you want the full emersion: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRl-DtJpaEXb0E06FCAioq4PtW4Zbc6WT

The white walls of their shared room were being cascaded with the pale morning light of winter. Dan had been staring at the exact same patch of ceiling for exactly forty-five minutes and still, even he was in disbelief at the preposterous idea he had thought to be a possibility. The cold air of the room took a resting place on the exposed skin of his neck, causing goose bumps to rise like minuscule mountains on his creamy, pale complexion. Light snores had started to emerge from his husband's sleeping figure and eventually Dan looked over at the peaceful, fair-skinned man who was turned on his side with his arm thrown protectively over Dan's waist. Phil still looked incredibly good for being in his thirties and Dan still swooned every time he saw him as if it was still that fateful day back on October 19, 2009. Dan still got weak in the knees every time Phil gave him that smirk and would always, no matter how long they were married, get lost in his crystal blue eyes which had always reminded Dan of the ocean with the green and yellow tints. Phil had been the only one who helped Dan when he was only eighteen and had been horribly depressed and on the verge of suicide. Dan had suffered with self- harm since the age of twelve and had scars littering essentially every part of his body, his wrists looked as if he had been through a surgery gone wrong, his legs looked like a botched kindergarten project and his stomach was absolutely done for.

After he had been messaging Phil for months on end, desperate for a reply, Phil had finally answered and they both discovered that they were like two halves of a perfect whole. Well fast forward to October 19 and they had been talking for a bit over eight months and the flirting was getting unbearable without being able to see each other. Phil was in his twenties and Dan was a horny, angsty teenager with some serious issues, so as fate would have it and to put it in simple terms, they fucked, a lot. They had spent a week together and they had most definitely gotten their "money's worth" out of that week and then from there it had just been a blur of memories. Them moving in together, Their book, their tour, their coming out video, their wedding and now here they were nearly nine years later laying in their bed while Dan smiled fondly down at his beautiful husband and laughed to himself as he thought of how much he must be doing his iconic 'Heart Eyes Howell' face in this very moment.

Dan had finally maintained the will to drag himself out of bed to get a pot of coffee brewing but to no avail. Phil had groggily opened his eyes and grabbed Dan's hand, pulling him back down so that Dan was practically on top of Phil which Dan found painfully ironic considering the facts. Phil, however, didn't seem to mind as he wrapped his arms around Dan and rolled him over to where he was pinning him down onto the bed. Phil started to pepper light kisses onto the sensitive part of Dan's neck, causing a shiver to run down his spine.

"Morning Love" Phil whispered into Dan's ear before lying down on top of Dan and resting his head in the crook of his neck.

"Someone's a bit feisty this morning yeah?" Dan chuckled while smiling at Phil who was staring at him with gentle eyes and a look of pure affection. Dan brought his hand up to Phil's black hair and started to play with it and touched the shaved parts on the back of his neck.  
"Phil, I- I don't know I've been thinking lately and I just-" Dan mindlessly talked on trying to get to the point he had but not knowing how to word it correctly. Phil brought his head up from Dan's neck, rolled off of him, and propped himself up on his arm looking over at Dan with a slightly worried face. Dan couldn't help but think of how much Phil looked like a confused little puppy with his wide eyes and the way his head was tilted to one side.

"Dan, if you're trying to bring back the daddy kink thing we tried in 2010 it's probably not going to be as immersive seeing as you're taller than me now" Phil grinned over at Dan even though he could see that Dan really was contemplating on whether or not he should even mention this idea to him, reasons being that Dan knew good and well that once Phil got an idea he liked he didn't let that idea go over his dead body.

"No you buffoon I'm not trying to bring back the daddy kink, I was thinking that uh we could actually um maybe I don't know um get a surrogate parent?" Dan looked up at Phil to see his expression at his statement before nervously fiddling with his hands and tracing the veins on his wrist with his fingers. Phil sucked on his lower lip several times and made a few clicking noises with his tongue before looking back at Dan and squinting at him as if he was thinking while staring at him.

"Okay," Phil gave a large grin and then placed a gentle yet passionate kiss on Dan's lips while gripping the back of his neck and carefully holding his chin. Dan kissed back with just as much passion and after several minutes of this they both pulled back, breathless and grinning like little children on Christmas.

"So we may possibly, with the slightest chance actually be parents?" Dan said after a few minutes of nuzzling into Phil's chest.

"Yeah Bear, we may possibly with the slightest chance be parents," Phil said in a tone of almost disbelief and happiness, Dan could hear the smile in his voice.

"So what's the whole process we just ask someone to have a child for us and then what thanks for birthing our kid out of your vagina we'll just be on our way now type situation happens?" Dan said with a half sarcastic and half realistic undertone in his voice.

"No Dan, we can't just go pick someone up off of the streets, get them pregnant and then just take the baby. It's like genetically modified babies to put it simply." Phil said while mindlessly looking out of the window while watching as a flock of birds fly by. '

"But Phil, which one of us would get the woman pregnant?" Dan had said while giving Phil a toothy grin and cocking an eyebrow up. Phil had rolled his eyes and shook his head before getting his laptop off of the floor beside the bed and looking up the process of surrogate parenting.

"So apparently we can ask one of our friends to be a surrogate but they have to be over twenty-one and they have to have given birth to at least one healthy baby." At this Phil had looked over at Dan and raised his eyebrows while curling his lip. "You know who I'm thinking but she may not be up to it"

Dan tilted his head while furrowing his eyebrows before giving Phil a look of shock and horror. "Phil, I swear to God are you actually hinting that we get Louise to birth our child?"

"C'mon Dan don't be so quick to kill the idea! I mean she's a good friend of ours, and she has had Darcy and look how lovely she's turned out to be!" Phil had started to type in another website before Dan grabbed his hand firmly,

"Phil, is this a legitimate thing we are going to do because it was just an idea I came up with. Listen, if we're going to do it then great but I need to know that we won't just be on this for a month and then let it go. This will be us starting a family, we can't just give up on a baby this will be our child." Dan was giving him a stern look while still holding his grip on his hand. Phil looked at Dan before giving him an almost sad yet somehow reassuring smile.

"Dan, you've known me for a long time so I trust that by this point you would know that if I look something up I'm going to give it a chance. I love you Dan, we're ready to start a family, and yeah, I would be lying if I said raising a kid won't be hard but we can handle hard. I haven't given up on you this far, so I doubt that if we throw a kid in the mix I'll give up on you then either." Phil kissed Dan's forehead before rolling off of the bed and onto his feet. "Now, what do you say about that coffee?"

* * *

 

The day passed and it was rather uneventful, they looked at the guidelines for surrogate parenting, checked to see how much it was going to be, talked with some people about the surrogate parenting, asked Louise if she was up to it (which she was). Okay so the day was eventful to put it in the least of terms, they found that it could cost anywhere from £80,000 to £120,000 and that if the birthing mother wanted to keep the child after seeing it there was nothing stopping them from doing so even if contracts had been signed and fines had been paid. The cost was the least of their worries because financially they were doing fine, great actually, but the thing that had worried them was what if after Louise gave birth to the child and she saw them again maybe she would get attached and they didn't want to do that to her. They asked to meet her at a café down the street so that maybe they could talk about the whole situation and asked her a few questions like would she get attached and if so they didn't want to put her through any stress or anything , they asked her how she was through Darcy's pregnancy and other things of that nature.

After they said their goodbyes and wished Louise well the two were back on their way home, their house wasn't more than a ten minute walk and it was just beginning to get dark so the sky was a beautiful color of different oranges, blues, and pinks that were blending so peacefully into each other. Their hands were intertwined and they were walking in silence but it wasn't an angry silence or an awkward silence it was more of a thinking silence, a comfortable silence. There were the sounds of horns honking in the distance and motorcycle engines revving up and the sounds of both of the boy's footsteps walking along the pavement. Dan had noticed over the years of being with Phil that when he was walking he made a little effort to not step on the cracks in between the pavement and when he found that he was about to step on a crack he would slightly change his walking pattern and so on.

"So which one of us would the baby look like?" Dan had said after about five minutes of silence. Phil kept silent watching his feet before looking over at Dan and shaking his head fondly while giving a light chuckle.

"What, why are you laughing you spork?" Dan had started to laugh as well at this point just because of the fact that Phil had started laughing with no context behind it. Phil was looking at Dan fondly as he swung an arm over his shoulder and kissed his cheek.

"I don't know Danny boy, personally, I would like our kid to look as pretty as you. You know, your little dimples and your brown curly hair. Imagine a miniature you running around on chubby little legs, giggling like little babies do." Phil was smiling to himself, imagining what it would be like when they finally had a kid of their own.

"Are you actually saying that I would be the one to get Louise pregnant?" Dan looked absolutely horrified at what Phil was implying and was staring at him as if he was a mad man. Phil shook his head at Dan before looking at him with a confused look not knowing what was so shocking to him, they would have to do this eventually.

Four months past and everything was in place, in the end Dan had ultimately been the one to donate the sperm and he was still slowly getting over the fact that ,even though there was no sexual interaction, he had gotten Louise pregnant. Dan and Phil had been slowly filling Dan's old room with nursery items, they had sold his bed since they barely had enough storage as it was and had been slowly selling other various items that Dan no longer wanted or quite frankly needed. Since they had been renting this apartment for over five years at this point they weren't planning on moving until they either, got kicked out, or felt the absolute undying need for a larger living space. Dan had convinced Phil to give their child's room , who they had since found out was a girl, a snazzy aesthetic and after weeks of looking on various websites Dan had found the ultimate Winnie the Pooh nursery décor.

"Phil, Phil, we have got to get this, Just, Phil just look at it." Dan was doing the thing he does where he closes his eyes and puts his hand out like an impatient white woman at Starbucks. Phil had looked over at Dan's screen from his spot on the sofa beside him and covered his heart with his hand while doing his 'oh my god that's adorable buy me 50' look with his eyes.

"A-and Phil, I have found not one, but all of this on Amazon. Praise me bitch." Dan had the biggest smile on his face as he got the tab that he had Amazon on loaded onto the screen, there was a white dresser on the screen that had various different characters from the cartoon on the handles. Dan then showed Phil the lamp he saw which looked like a tree with the shade being the hundred acre woods, a wooden rocking chair, a pastel blue quilt with Pooh and Piglet on the bottom, different portraits of Tigger, Roo, Kanga, Owl and Rabbit ,outlined in a white frame, and a wall quote that read: "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

"Dan, stop it we're not going to have any money to spend on our kid if we spend it all in her room." Phil chuckled while getting up and shaking his head, "However, when you do order it, because we both know that you're going to, get twenty-four hour shipping would you?" Phil laughed before walking out of the room. Dan had selected everything he wanted including several baby-proofing items for the house, the things he showed Phil , some toys, a bottle warming machine, pacifiers, onesies, strollers, diapers, monitors and other necessities for the baby, including some light up shoes very similar to the pair Dan owned.

They went to sleep that night after talking to Louise on the phone and asking her about how she was doing with the pregnancy and she reassured them that she was fine and that they needed to stop worrying about her and get some rest. Phil opened his arms and Dan nuzzled into them, he kissed Phil's jaw and then mumbled something Phil couldn't quite understand before he fell asleep. Phil stayed up an hour or so longer thinking of names and so on, this was going to be their child, they were going to have a giggling little child to hold and raise and cherish together. Poppy Grace Howell-Lester, Phil could get used to that name, the issue was he had to get it past Dan.

* * *

 

"Phil, we are not naming our child after a fucking seed, I swear to God, I will not let you name our kid after a type of goddamn seed." Dan had said in a bullheaded tone while laughing, Phil had just walked into the bedroom with a cup of coffee in each hand giving Dan an annoyed glare at his antics. Phil had handed Dan the cup making sure he didn't burn himself on the surface of the ceramic mug.

"It's a pretty name and the flow of the name is pretty strong if you ask me." Phil said while grabbing his laptop and opening it up. "Phil when you say your child's name you usually don't intend for 'Strong Flow' to be in the same sentence." Dan gave Phil a look of pure and utter 'I'm done with you dork' before they both looked at each other for a second with no facial expression or sound before Phil made a goose honking noise and they both started laughing hysterically for a good ten minutes.

After catching their breath and getting their abs back intact along with their breathing they each took a deep breath and shook their heads while still lightly chuckling at the whole 'Strong Flow' and the goose noises. Dan had pulled up everything he had bought the night before onto the screen, scrolling through the variety of baby things he had searched for hours on end for.

"Dan, it's lovely, really, but did you actually spend £2,000 on this?" Phil said in a hopeful tone that Dan wasn't going to say yes. But to Phil's dismay Dan had admitted and his reasoning was because 'He wanted their kid to have the basic necessities of a good life'.

"Dan, are light up space shoes on the list for a 'good life starter pack'?" Phil had said, doing air quotations on the last bit of his sentence. Dan had told Phil that they were a basic necessity for any life to which Phil had disagreed with.

All of the furniture had arrived that evening and they had carried it up the two flights of stairs, which left them at the point where they were convinced that death would be a choice worth considering. After they got the crib up to the nursery they had started to put everything together and get it all in place, in the end, it looked like something out of a 'parental goals magazine' as Dan had put it. There was flowy, white curtains hanging up, a wardrobe that had Pooh's tree painted onto it, a rocking chair in the corner of the room with a record player beside it that Dan had bought lullaby records for, a toy box full of every kind of baby toy, a diaper changing station, the portraits Dan had bought, and several other things that made the room look like Dan's dream room as a child.

"Dan there are only five more months until we see our baby girl, just five more months." Phil had started to get teary eyed at the thought of them being able to hold a baby and call it theirs, at the thought of their baby girl crawling around and saying her first words, at the thought of her chubby little cheeks with Dan's dimples and his freckles covering her cheeks, her curly hair and her beautiful little eyes; and in five months that would all be theirs. Dan came over and was hugging Phil while looking around the room, Dan was resting his chin on top of Phil's head and they were rocking from side to side.

"Wait, right here and don't come out until I tell you to." Dan had said before going out of the room, Phil heard some banging around and a few curse words escape Dan's mouth before Dan said: "Okay Phil, you can come out now."

Phil had come out of the nursery and assumed that Dan was in the lounge, when he walked in he saw that Dan had moved all of the furniture to the side of the room and that the middle was completely cleared out. Dan stood there with his hand held out and a shy smile on his face that reminded Phil of the first time they had ever met in person.

"May I have this dance?" Dan had said before grabbing Phil's hand and turning the wedding playlist they had spent weeks on leading up to their wedding. Drops of Jupiter played softly through the Bluetooth speaker they had bought years ago. They were swaying from side to side and Dan had spun Phil around, making him giggle like a little child, they laughed while softly whispering sweet nothings to each other. They swayed and twirled each other and dipped each other and told each other cheesy jokes and how much they loved each other, they danced to the whole playlist, the very last song was Yellow by Coldplay and Dan had pulled them both down to the ground. They lay there in each others arms while the music played in the background, Phil was nuzzled into Dan's chest with his arms wrapped around him and their long legs tangled together.

"Poppy Grace huh?" Dan had said after a while of silence. Phil nodded against Dan's chest and Dan brought a hand over to rub Phil's hair, "It grows on you, doesn't it" Dan had chuckled, shaking his head.

"So it's okay if we name our daughter 'after a seed'" Phil had said in a fake mocking tone, making fun of how Dan had teased that name when Phil had first suggested it this morning.

"Yes, it's okay if we name our daughter after a seed" Dan said in a tone of fondness. "That could be her nickname you know, Lil' Seed." Dan had burst out in a fit of laughter at his own shitty nickname-giving.

"Dan, we aren't nicknaming our child Little Seed. That sounds like a bad rapper name." Phil had mumbled to Dan as he was close to falling asleep. The thought of a rapper named Little Seed had only made Dan laugh harder than he was before, Phil could feel Dan's abdomen tensing up as he tried to get a proper breath in but was unable to without laughing again.

After a while Dan was doing what Phil referred to as 'laugh attack revival' where he took a deep breath and let out a half gasp, half noise breath while still chuckling occasionally. "So Poppy Grace Howell- Lester?" Dan questioned before Phil fell into unconsciousness, Phil gave a noise of agreement and then fell asleep.

* * *

 

The next two months went by in what felt like a single heartbeat, it was filled to the brim with paperwork, appointments, ultrasounds, therapy appointments, law type stuff, contracts, etc. It was nearing the end of the sixth month of pregnancy and everything was flowing along more than smoothly, Louise was healthy and from what the doctors had said so was Poppy, the ultrasounds had shown Poppy's little body and Dan and Phil had cried more than once while looking them. The doctor had said Poppy was due to arrive on September 12 so that was in about three months, they had thrown Louise a baby shower even though she insisted for them not to and they claimed it was the very least they could do for her considering what she had done for them. She had finally obliged and they had put pastel pink decorations everywhere and had a caterer bring food and ordered a cake that was in the shape of a baby bottle and they had bought Louise all different kinds of maternity clothing, back supporters, heating pads, and a lot of sweets.

They had went to bed on June 11, 2018 after Dan's 28th birthday, they hadn't done anything big because Dan insisted he was much to worn out to have a huge gathering to celebrate his existence when he didn't even know how to prove he existed and that time was even a measurable object. Phil had stopped him before he went into his existentialist rant that he had almost every week for the past nine years. They watched anime and ordered pizza and had a glass or two of wine and then went to bed. At 3:45 a.m. it happened, they had gotten a call from Zoe and she told them that Louise was in labor, they had gotten to the hospital at 4:00 a.m. and into the room with Louise at exactly 4:20 a.m.

Dan had grabbed Phil's hand and pulled him along out of the cab, they had went to the front desk and asked what room Louise was in and they were told that she was in surgery and that they would have to sit in the waiting area until her doctor gave further notice. They had went over to the seemingly abandoned waiting area and saw Zoe sitting in a chair, tears rolling down her cheeks . They went over and sat by her and asked her if she knew what had happened, she explained that Louise and Darcy had stayed with her and Alfie the night before because Zoe had insisted and at close to 2:00 in the morning Louise had started screaming that she was going into labor. Zoe said that she had ran into the room where Louise and Darcy were and there was blood everywhere, after that she had left Darcy with Alfie and Louise and Herself had drove down to the hospital.

The bland white walls felt as if they were closing around the boys, the ticking of the clock seemed as if it was mocking Dan and Phil as seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours and the hours felt as if they would never end. 1, 2 , 3 Dan counted in his head as he watched the hand of the clock continue go over those numbers for the 120th time since he had been in here. Phil was gripping his hand and you could see the white of his knuckles, the cold air felt heavy and Dan felt as if the oxygen in the room had long ago been replaced by sand. 45,46,47, Dan had been engulfing every inch of the room with his eyes, every corner, every individual crack on the tiles, he thought about that night all those weeks ago when he was watching as Phil tried to avoid the cracks on the pavement and when everything was fine.

At 6:27 a.m. an older looking man had walked out of the doors that lead down the hallway and had made his way over to where the small group of three was seated. Dan and Phil had immediately stood up when the doctor approached them and he solemnly shook both of their hands. There were thin wrinkles on the edges of his eyes and greying hairs on the hairs close to his scalp, he had faded grey eyes and slightly bronzed skin. He flipped through his charts and then looked back up at the two men, "you three are the relatives of Louise Pentland if I'm not mistaken. "Dan and Phil nodded before looking at each other and gripping the other's hand more tightly as if they were trying to reassure the other.

"I'm Doctor Bennett, Louise has seemed to develop Preeclampsia which is just essentially high blood pressure that can come on suddenly with no symptoms. It means a blood pressure that has approximately 140 to 190 millimeters of mercury or greater, some other symptoms can include things like: Excess protein in your urine, Decreased levels of platelets in your blood or as it's commonly referred to in the medical field as Thrombocytopenia, Severe headaches and Upper abdominal pain. Many of the symptoms can sometimes be mistaken for symptoms of pregnancy like the sudden weight gain and swelling the face and hands. The cause of Preeclampsia is unknown but we believe that it had started in the placenta and some blood vessels didn't develop properly so the blood flow to the placenta was limited and that resulted in limited blood flow to the uterus." Doctor Bennett sounded like he had said this a million times because he had no emotion in his voice at all.

"To put this simply we had to extract the baby because Ms. Pentland's uterus was at incredibly high risk of rupturing, that in turn would have caused severe internal bleeding and it would kill both her and the baby." His voice was steady and calm and his eyes were showing no sign of emotion or empathy. He must've said this to four hundred other families and he must've gotten used to essentially saying your baby has a 0.01% chance of survival.

"The baby weighs three pounds and five ounces" Dr. Bennett had finally said with a solemn tone, "You're welcome to come back both mother and daughter are in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit."

Both Dan and Phil's blood ran cold when they heard that their daughter only weighed in at three pounds, that was less than one stone. They followed the doctor to the NICU as they needed to get sanitized before they entered due to the fact that every baby in here was incredibly premature and had a horrible immunity to infection and illness. After they had been properly prepared they were lead to where Louise and Poppy were, they had walked by several exhausted looking parents with tear stained faces and empty coffee cups surrounding them. They were lead to a room at the end of the long hallway, Doctor Bennett wished them well and told them that he would be checking in on them within the hour.

Phil's head was spinning he wanted to just wake up from this horrible dream. He wanted to wake up on June 12 in his bed knowing that in three months Poppy would be here and she would grow up and have kids of her own and get married but he couldn't tell himself that because he and Dan were about to see their Poppy who was three months premature and under five pounds. They walked inside and could hear the buzzing of a machine and the steady beeping of a heart monitor, Louise was asleep in the bed and hooked up to different IV machines and heart monitors and she had a oxygen tube in her nose. There was a nurse sitting in a chair with her charts and a laptop sitting on a small makeshift desk which was originally for food, she smiled tiredly at them as they entered.

* * *

 

She looked down at her charts and then back up, "I assume you're Mr. Mr. Howell-Lester?" she questioned. Phil nodded shakily as he looked at the incubator which held Poppy, Dan had slowly started making his way over to her and the nurse only smiled sadly at them as Phil also made his way over to their daughter. She was so tiny, there were tubes going down her throat, an oxygen mask on her little mouth, and a minuscule heart monitor on her left arm.

On the incubator were two holes where you could stick your hand in and touch your baby. Dan put his hand in as gently as he possibly could and shakily stroked her tiny little head, his hand was bigger than her entire body. Phil put his hand in the hole on the opposite side and put his finger in her microscopic hand, she wrapped her little fingers around his but her hand was to little to wrap around completely. Phil had lost it and he didn't even try to stop the tears from streaming down his face at this point, she looked like Dan in every way. She had tiny chocolate brown curls on her head and her little legs were as thin as twigs. Dan's hand was shaking because God, she was just so small, they were both trying to be as careful as they possibly could with her. Phil knew that if he tried to talk his voice would be as cracked and broken as he felt but he managed to get out one sentence before he was completely gone.

"Hello my beautiful Poppy, I'm your Papa and That's your Daddy," Phil said while stroking her fingers which were still wrapped around his finger. Dan had smiled at their beautiful baby girl when Phil had said that. Dan was just as choked up at the sight of their baby being so incredibly unhealthy but he felt he needed to say something as well.  
"Why hello there my little hobbit, you're quite precious I have to say. I love you very, very much and me and your papa have been waiting a very long time for you." Dan's voice didn't have even the slightest hint of sarcasm or attitude that he usually did no matter how sincere he was being. "Look at those curls, why you look just like your daddy don't you beautiful?" Dan's voice was wobbly and breaking and Phil could see the tears pooling up in his eyes and he knew that as soon as Dan were to blink they would fall. Dan had never cried in front of anyone but Phil until now and he didn't care, his baby girl was so much more beautiful than he could have ever imagined and he didn't care if people saw him cry, he couldn't bring himself to care about anything other than protecting this precious little girl in front of him.

One week turned into two weeks and two weeks turned into three and soon enough it had been a month since Poppy was born and she had been getting better everyday. She was still incredibly tiny and fragile but they were able to remove some of the tubing since she could breath on her own now. Louise was fine when she woke up and Dan and Phil had shown her Poppy and she too had began to cry, Zoe had her share in her hello's to the baby as well and she marveled at how tiny Poppy was. P.J had come to the hospital to welcome Poppy and of course Dan and Phil's parents came down to see their first grandchild. Everyone fell in love with Poppy when they saw her and they all just marveled over how much she looked like Dan. She had opened her eyes in the third week while Phil was holding her, Dan had been stood over his shoulder cooing at how cute she was when her little eyelids fluttered open to reveal beautiful coffee brown eyes. She had squinted at first and then fluttered her eyelids a few more times before she looked around a few times and then she looked at Dan and then to Phil and then she had started giggling and wiggling her little arms and making little baby noises. They had both smiled and immediately got teary eyed and Dan had told Phil that he wished she had seen him when he had actually slept and didn't look like Shrek just got hit by a semi. Phil assured him that Poppy wasn't the judging type and that she didn't care if they looked like dead monkies.

After two months of being in the hospital the nurses told Dan and Phil that Poppy was doing great and that they needed to go home and get some sleep and come back in the morning. They had both refused and politely told the nurses that they would rather stay with their daughter to which the nurses responded with they need to get rest and shower because they could tell that they were suffering from symptoms of insomnia and extreme stress. After two hours of the nurses trying to convince Dan and Phil to go take care of themselves and to which Dan was getting pissed that they wouldn't fuck off they reluctantly agreed after the nurse assured them that Poppy was going to be fine. They went over and kissed her forehead and gently rubbed her hair.

"We'll be back soon my baby bear, I promise" Phil had said before kissing her hand , he held Dan's hand as he said bye to their precious baby, "Goodbye my little one, Daddy loves you." After they got out of the hospital they had forgotten everything from the outside world, they hadn't been out of the hospital since June 12 and now August 17 was on it's way the next day. They hadn't left the hospital for two months, P.J had brought them their clothes and things and they had gone to the hospital cafeteria whenever they did eat which had been very little. Louise had been able to leave a week after she went into labor so she could take care of Darcy, Dan and Phil had thanked her multiple times for everything she had done and told her that if she needed anything at all to call them whenever and they would be more than happy to help.

When they got into their house it felt unrecognizable, they weren't used to all of the color or the lack of fluorescent lighting and constant beeping. Phil allowed Dan to take a shower first while he called to order food since everything they had was either rotten, stale or moldy at this point. After Dan got out of the shower Phil went to get himself cleaned up and shave since he hadn't done that in so long so he looked like a homeless gorilla. The pizza had come at a little after 7 p.m. and they had fallen asleep on the couch at around 8:00 which was a new earliest record for either of them to fall asleep in easily the past fifteen years. They woke up the next morning at around 11:45 and got ready to go back down to the hospital. Dan had gotten one of the Winnie the Pooh plushies from Poppy's room and tiny pink blanket that had her name on the bottom of it. Phil got the onesie they had bought for her weeks ago that was pastel pink and had a lion on it and it came with white leggings, Dan had bought it and claimed that it was in 'Phil's honor'.

"Phil do you know where my phone is?" Dan had yelled while looking around the couch. "Hum- I think I actually saw it in the kitchen last night" Phil had yelled back from the bathroom. Dan had went into the kitchen and saw that his phone was on 15% battery, he also saw that he had 10 missed calls from the London Eye Hospital, he immediately called back panic starting to outline his bones and sink in. After two rings a woman answered by saying: "London Eye Hospital, this is Maria how may I help you?" Dan didn't know why they would call him 10 times if nothing was wrong, "Hi, yeah this is Daniel Howell-Lester, I've gotten 10 missed calls but I haven't had my phone with me is something wrong?" Dan had said with a nervous tone making his way to the bathroom to get Phil so they could go. "Let me check my files, please hold." Maria said before putting Dan on hold and leaving him listening to shitty hold music. Dan grabbed the plushie and the blanket he had gotten, and went to the bathroom to tell Phil that they needed to leave.

After a moment Maria got back on the line, "Mr. Howell-Lester, are you still there?" Her voice was tense now and that made Dan even more worried considering what was on the line, "Yeah, I'm here, is our daughter okay?" The other line was silent, "Mr. Howell-Lester I'm going to need yourself and your husband to come down here immediately." Dan pressed 'end' on his phone, _"PHIL WE NEED TO GO NOW",_ Phil came out of the hallway with the onesie in his hand, "Dan, what's happening who was on the phone?" Dan looked at Phil as his heart began to speed up and his breathing became more and more unsteady. "It was t-the hospital a-and - uhm they- they need us to get down there immediately." Dan said with shallow breaths as he began to go down to get a cab, Phil right behind him.

They had paid the cab driver more than they knew was necessary just so he would get to the hospital as fast as possible. As soon as they got there they both ran inside and went to the front desk,

"Our daughter is in the NICU and we were told we need to come down here immediately , we don't know what's happening can somebody please just take us back so we can see that she's alright?" Phil said with a steadiness in his voice but Dan knew that he was just as terrified of the possibility that they were both thinking.

* * *

 

The nurse gave them a look of pity and paged Dr.Bennett, he came out shortly and lead them back through the heavy doors into the hallway, when they got past the doors and out of sight from the people in the waiting room Dr. Bennett stopped them. Dan's blood ran ice cold and Phil's heart dropped to what he swore was the deepest part of his being, Dr. Bennett rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair before looking back up at Dan and Phil.

" _SIDS_ , sudden infant death syndrome, it's common in premature born children it's whe-" Dan cut him off, " _Excuse me_?" Dr.Bennett continued, "Your daughter's brain wasn't fully developed, she had little control over breathing and heart rate, her brain was at a lack of oxygen, we tried to relieve some of the pressure and get her back but her brain didn't have parts that were necessary for proper functioning. I'm terribly sorry for your family " Dr. Bennett left the two parents speechless and on the edge of dying.

Phil's whole body was shaking, he was staring blankly at the wall in front of him. "They're just fucking with us Dan, that's all they're doing, just fucking with us because they can." Phil was sobbing ,his whole body shaking as he punched the wall with as much force as he could manage, leaving his knuckles busted and the wall dented. Dan was sunk against the wall cradling the Winnie The Pooh plushie that was meant for Poppy, that was still meant for Poppy because she was still alive and they just had to go see her because the doctor was lying to them. They went back to the front desk even though people were staring at Phil's bloodied knuckles and both of their tear stained faces, "We would l-like to s-see our daughter please" Dan's voice was weak and he couldn't get a sentence out without crying again. The nurse gave them the single most look of pity he had ever seen and she opened the door to the hallway and lead them to the NICU. It felt heavy, just yesterday they were holding their baby girl, she was still alive they were about to see their giggling baby girl again and she would smile at them and show her dimples and wrap her tiny little hand around their fingers. They were lead into a different room and saw a tiny bed with a white sheet draped over it, Dan felt as if he was going to vomit, the nurse undraped the sheet and there they saw their baby girl. Her brown curls were still there and her dimples were still on her chubby little cheeks, her delicate fingers were curled into fists and her stomach was sunken in. Her once pink lips were blue and her body was no longer skin toned but it was now grey in color.

Dan carefully picked up her fragile body and held her close as if he was still the giggling little girl they were admiring yesterday, but yesterday was a year ago now, yesterday they still had their daughter. "I love you my little hobbit, Daddy loves you very, very much and he will always love you. You will always be Daddy's beautiful little girl, goodnight, my beautiful, beautiful Poppy Grace." Dan whispered the last part through tears before carefully handing her to Phil, " Hello little bear, I have loved you with all of my heart since the day that I met you and I will love you until the day that I meet you again, My beautiful little girl I would give anything to see you one last time, I love you my little precious, I'm sorry, God, I'm so sorry my little darling" Phil was sobbing as he slowly rocked from side to side with his little girl in his arms. Phil gently placed her down on the bed, "Dan, could you get me the stuff we brought" he said warily while tracing the outline of Poppy's face. "Phil, she's gone damnit, let's fucking leave" Dan was a sobbing mess behind Phil, "Dan, please" Phil quietly begged. Dan brought the plushie and the other things they had brought and handed it to him with shaky hands, Phil lifted Poppy's cold little body and carefully put the onesie on her along with the leggings and covered her up with the blanket and then sat her Pooh bear right beside her. He kissed her one last time and then turned to the nurse who was near tears, "please don't put the sheet back on her before we leave, she wouldn't have liked it very much." Phil said giving a small fake smile before he and Dan left.

* * *

 

They got home and all hell broke loose. Dan had went straight to the nursery and Phil could hear banging and curse words, he went in and saw Dan smashing everything he had spent hours looking for and buying. Every one of the frames were shattered into millions of shards, the miniature clothing strewn out about the room, the record player had been thrown against the wall and the records had been broken, the curtains were ripped from the rods and in the middle of the room sat Dan. He was in the fetal position sobbing and gripping his knees so that you could see the white of his knuckles, Phil carefully walked over to him and they sobbed into each other over the loss of their baby girl. " _God_ , _it hurts so fucking bad Phil_ " Dan continued to sob and Phil didn't know how to feel or what to do, he was numb. He wanted to drink to forget, but he didn't want to forget his beautiful Poppy, he didn't want to forget her laugh, or the first time she had smiled at them or how she wrapped her fingers around his finger or how when she was dreaming she would smile in her sleep and start giggling. He didn't want to forget their Poppy, he wanted to remember her in every way and more.

They had a funeral but nobody was as broken as Dan and Phil had been, they had just been crying into each other for weeks and not wanting to do anything but sleep and cry. Dan had gotten mad at the people for coming, mourning the loss of their baby, of _their Poppy_. It felt offensive whenever they saw color, or happiness, or life. Poppy was gone so why wasn't everyone suicidal, she was gone and now they were watching their precious little baby being lowered down in her miniscule casket that had flowers on it. They watched as she was covered by six feet of dirt and they watched as everyone left, they watched as the graveyard got dark and then they watched their baby girl's grave.

> They didn't leave until the next morning and they were teary eyed and weariness was overtaking their bodies. They watched as the sun came over their Poppy's grave and then they watched the sun show the words _**"Goodnight our beautiful Baby Bear"**_ that were engraved onto the slab of rock that was above their giggling baby girl, Dan and Phil left the graveyard and before they had left Poppy's grave Dan had choked out, _"We'll be back soon Poppy, Daddy promises that we'll be back."_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm incredibly sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen. But it did so now we can all jut sob together


End file.
